Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive control in an intimate relationship which may be characterized by isolating and controlling behaviors on the part of the perpetrator, manipulation and/or intimidation to create an atmosphere of fear, and other forms of abuse. Domestic violence is a choice; it is about power and control, not love and respect. Domestic violence occurs in all socioeconomic backgrounds, cultures, age groups, sexual orientations, ethnicities, and cultures.

 

Abusive behavior can take many forms and will be different in every relationship. We can usually break down the abuse into these categories, but it is important to note that there is more to abuse than what is listed here:

- Using Children: threats to harm children, threats to take away the children, involving the children in the abuse, denying parenting-time, prolonged custody cases.

 

- Financial Abuse: being forced to quit a job or being forced to work, having no access to money, being given an allowance, not having any say in how the money is spent, having to beg/ask for more money, having to do “favors” for money.

 

- Physical Abuse: hitting, smacking, kicking, biting, burning, pushing, grabbing, restraining from leaving a room and/or house, threats and/or using abuse with a weapon, strangulation or grabbing the neck.

 

- Sexual Abuse: rape, forced prostitution, forced or unwanted sexual acts, criticizing sexual performance, forcing unprotected sex/pregnancy, the abuser having sex outside the relationship – putting the victim at risk for disease.

There are many reasons a woman may stay in an abusive relationship. The victim and abuser may be in a cycle of violence which is characterized by three stages:

 

1. The Tension Building (or “Walking on Eggshells”) stage in which the victim and abuser
    are both on edge, the victim is trying very hard not to set the abuser off.

2. The Explosive Incident Stage which may start out as verbal abuse in the beginning of 
    the relationship but progresses to physical and sexual violence. 

3. The Honeymoon (or Hearts and Flowers) stage in which the abuser may make
    promises, give gifts, apologize, and be the person the victim fell in love with.

 

Love, hope and fear are the motivating emotions for many abused women. The victim loves her partner, and hopes their partner will keep the promises made to her, all the while she fears her abuser will carry out threats against her, her children, and possibly her friends and family.

 

And there is more than just the abuser to fear. Victims often fear telling anyone about the abuse because she feels shame; she fears that if she does tell, no one would believe her; she fears that her friends, family, church, or other community support will blame her or tell her what to do. Because of the isolating and controlling behaviors by the abuser, victims may not have access to, or even know about, community resources to help. She may also stay because of her children. She may feel it is her responsibility to keep the family together, keep the children with their father, and not upset the home. She may be concerned about providing for their basic needs. A domestic violence advocate can help with these fears and provide safety strategies to the victim.

 

Every victim has different reasons why she stays in an abusive relationship, but it is important to remember that the abuse is not her fault. She is a victim of a crime, regardless of the reasons she stays. The abuser is the one choosing to be violence and use power and control against his intimate partner. The questions should be, “Why does he batter?” and not “Why does she stay?”

Children are affected by domestic violence, even if they are not present during an explosive incident: they may hear the violence from their rooms, see the aftermath of the abuse in bruises, bloodstains, and broken possessions, they may be used as a tool by the abuser, or they become homeless when mom leaves the abuse.

 

Children who witness, or are exposed in any way to, domestic violence feel unsafe, isolated, anxious, depressed, angry, and distrustful of authority figures. These children may have behavioral and emotional problems such as low self-esteem, hyper-vigilance, temperament problems, antisocial behavior, eating disorders, unhealthy boundaries, sleep disorders, suicidal ideation, alcohol/drug experimentation, and/or rigid views on gender roles. They may have cognitive and attitudinal problems such as pro-violence attitudes, lack of conflict resolution skills, justification for use of violence, low levels of empathy, and/or lower cognitive functioning. They may also have longer-term problems such as adult depression, PTSD, alcohol/drug addictions, early marriages, and/or perpetrating domestic violence in adult relationships.

 

What do children learn growing up in a home with domestic violence? They learn that threats and violence get you what you want (and you won’t get in trouble), unequal relationships are normal, you must either be the victim or the perpetrator, the world is a dangerous place and no one can protect you.

 

Children in homes with domestic violence need certain messages to help them recover from trauma. They need to know that the abuse is not their fault and that no one deserves to be abused, no matter what. They need help with getting and saying safe. We can support a child going through this by enhancing self-esteem and personal empowerment to make positive life decisions.

Many people wonder if they can predict or “tell” if someone will be abusive. Below is a list of behaviors (called “Red Flags”) often seen in people who are physically and emotionally abusive to their partners. Some batterers may only have a couple of the below behaviors, but they might be very exaggerated and some batterers may exhibit several or all of these behaviors. Initially the abusive partner will try to explain the behavior as normal signs of love and concern; however, as time goes on, the behaviors can become severe as the batterer attempts to control their partner. A batterer can be male or female, come from any socioeconomic, racial, ethnic, and religious background. Batterers represent all different kinds of personalities, family backgrounds, and professions. There is no typical batterer.

 

1. Jealousy: A sign of insecurity and possessiveness, not a sign of love. 

2. Controlling Behavior: Controlling your decisions and actions are a sign of insecurity
    and is a way for batterers to gain power over their partner.

3. Quick Involvement: Many survivors knew or dated their abusive partner for less than
    six months before they were engaged or living together. The batterer comes on like a
    whirlwind and often claims, “love at first sight.”

4. Unrealistic Expectations: Many batterers have very unrealistic expectations of their 
    partner and often get very angry if the expectations are not met. They want the
    “perfect” partner. 

5. Isolation: These are efforts to cur you off from all resources and support, making you
    more dependent on them

6. Blames others for problems/feelings: Batterers will not take responsibility for their
    actions, decisions, feelings, and thoughts. Instead they make excuses and blame
    others. This is an attempt by the batterer to assert control over their partner and avoid
    responsibility. 

7. “Playful” use of force during sex: Along with many other signs, batterers may use
    coercion, intimidation, or threats to get sexual gratification for themselves. It is
    another aspect of their partner’s life that they want to control. 

8. Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde Behavior: Will be inconsistent with their behavior and reactions, 
    as a result will keep their partner on edge. 

9. Past Battering: Being abusive in past relationships; often they will tell you it was their 
    ex-partner’s fault and that they “made them do it.”

10. Threats of Violence: Any threats of physical force (to themselves, their partner, or 
      others) are a sign of abuse. 

11. Breaking or striking objects: Batterers will use this behavior to terrorize, threaten, 
      and frighten their partner. 

12. Use of Force during Arguments: Batterers also use this behavior to terrorize,
      threaten, and frighten their partner and it is one of the ways that they control
      behavior.

 

Many times victims say these signs were not present early on, but upon reflection, they will see some of the early behavior as these Red Flags. This is because often, these are things that make us feel special and are not looked at critically until things get abusive.

-  Her partner makes most of her decisions

-  Her partner criticizes her frequently, or publicly shames her

-  She apologizes frequently for her partner’s behavior

-  She withdraws from friends and family

-  She may change her clothing style, her hair, her makeup, to please her partner

-  She may quit her job or get fired for missing work

-  She may stop going to social activities such as church or parties

-  She is frightened or seems threatened when her partner is angry

Family Tree offers How to Help: A Workshop for Friends & Family of Domestic Violence Victims every month. Please call 303-420-0412 to sign up for this workshop. In it, you can learn about domestic violence, how to talk to your friend or family member experience domestic violence, and community resources to help.

 

1. Open a dialogue. “Are you ever afraid of _____________’s temper?”

2. Show concern. “I am afraid for your safety.”

3. Appreciate the danger she is in. “I’m afraid the danger will get worse.”

4. Commit to being supportive. “I will always be here for you.”

5. Listen. “If you ever need to talk, I will just listen and not give advice.”

6. Value her. “This is not your fault and you do not deserve to be abused.”

7. Compliment her. Help to counter the toll that his verbal abuse may be taking on her
    self-esteem.

8. Make observations, not judgments. “I’m worried about you; you don’t laugh as much
    anymore.”

9. Offer to help in ways you can. Set clear and fair boundaries you are comfortable with.

10. Ask questions that focus on her feelings. “That sounds scary to me, how do you feel
    about it?”

 

1. “Just Leave.” Please see the “Why doesn’t she just leave?” section

2. Give an ultimatum. This assists the batterer in isolating her further and cuts off her
    support system.

3. Bad-mouth the batterer. This may cause her to be defensive of him and will make it
    “unsafe” to confide in you.

4. Disbelieve or demand proof of the abuse. You are not a judge. If she feels unsafe, that
    is all that should matter to you.

5. Tell her what she “has to do.” Domestic violence is about power and control, and if a
    victim is going to heal, she must regain control herself. Do not give advice, or tell her
    what she needs to do, or what you would do. It is good to help her discover her 
    options, but the decision must be hers alone.

- Jealousy and possessiveness are signs that the person sees you as a possession.

- The National Crime Victimization Survey has found that 95% of the victims of intimate 
  partner violence are female. Men can be victims, but it is less frequent.

- Batterers may use drug/alcohol abuse as an excuse, but there are many abusers who
  do not use alcohol or drugs and may alcohol and drug users do not abuse their
  intimate partners. Alcohol/drug use is a separate issue from domestic violence.

- Domestic violence affects many people in our country. National studies estimate that 3
  to 4 million women are beaten every year in our country. Domestic violence is the
  leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44, and the FBI estimate
  that a woman is beaten every 15 seconds.

- Violence and abuse do not necessarily stop when a victim leaves. In fact, she may be
  at greater risk after separation. A domestic violence advocate can help victims
  plan for safety and access to community resources.