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ResourcesFrequently Asked Questions
- What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is any behavior used to control, manipulate and/or intimidate an intimate partner through fear, humiliation and verbal or physical attacks. Domestic violence is a choice, it is about power and control and not about love. Domestic violence crosses all socio/economic backgrounds including same sex relationships.
This behavior can take many forms and can be broken down into these categories: physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse and financial abuse.
The following are some examples of these:
- Physical Abuse: hitting, smacking, kicking, biting, burning, threats and/or with a weapon, strangulation, grabbing and restraining.
- Emotional Abuse: name calling, constant criticizing; jealousy; accusations of imagined affairs; withholding affection; threats to significant others; being locked out of the house; public humiliation; mind games such, as, denying that something happened, saying "I love you" followed by physical abuse.
- Sexual Abuse: rape; forced prostitution; forced or unwanted sex games or role playing; forced sex with others; criticizing sexual performance; unprotected sex; the abuser having sex out side of the relationship, putting the victim at risk for disease.
- Financial Abuse: being forced to quit a job or being forced to work, having no access to money, being given no say in the spending of the money, being required to account for every last penny spent, being given an allowance then having to ask/beg for more.
- Why don't women just leave?
There are many reasons a woman may stay in an abusive relationship. The main reason is fear. She may fear she will be found and seriously injured or killed if she tries to leave. Since the batterer is fighting for power and control over her, the batterer is willing to do just about any thing to keep her. She may fear she can not support herself or the children on her own. She may fear no one will believe her. Her family and/or church may not believe her or tell her the abuse is normal, that it is her duty as a wife to keep the family together. She may feel that children need to be with their father.
While there are many reasons why a woman may stay in an abusive relationship it's important to remember that she is the victim of a crime. The perpetrator has said he loves her and that she loves him. The batterer is the one choosing to be violent. The question should be "Why does the batterer abuse her?"
- How are children affected by domestic violence?
Children are affected in many ways by violence in the home. Even if children do not directly witness the abuse, they are aware of what is going on. Children who witness a parent being abused will often behave as if they have been abused themselves. It is not uncommon to see kids in this situation behave differently.
Differences may include increase in temper tantrums, use of foul language, a change in sleep or eating patterns, children may act sad and/or not want to play with friends or act fearful of leaving mom, problems at school such as aggressive behaviors and/or poor concentration, changes in grades. Anytime there is trauma, such as this, in a child's life, it is important to get help and support for them.
- Are there any signs that someone will be abusive?
There are signs in a person's behavior that may indicate that that person will be abusive. We call these signs "Red Flags".
Some of these are: a potential batterer may come on too strong and fast; say "I love you" too soon, act too good to be true. Another red flag to look for is jealousy. Jealousy of other relationships past or present, real or imagined. Even in a relationship one still has the right to have friendships.
Listen to how they talk about previous partners and family. Is there respect for these people? Family relationships can be a huge indicator of how they are going to behave in relationships. Look for consistency in behavior. Does this person say one thing and then do or act in another way? Do they blame others for their mistakes? Most important, trust your gut feelings. If something tells you this person is not all they claim to be, you are probably right.
Many times victims say these signs were not present early on but, in hindsight, when they talk about the relationship, they will often say the warning signs were present. This is because often, these are things that make us feel special and are not looked at critically until things get abusive.
- What are signs of domestic violence?
- She is frightened or seems threatened when her partner is angry.
- She worries that her partner will be jealous or suspicious.
- Her partner makes all or most decisions.
- Her partner criticizes her frequently.
- She apologizes frequently for her partner's behavior.
- She's withdrawn from friends and family; she seems in a hurry to get home.
- Her partner breaks things, throws things, intimidates her or is cruel to children or animals.
- She may quit her job.
- She or her partner grew up in a violent home.
- How can I help?
Here are some things you can do if you know someone is in an abusive relationship. Listen to her and believe her. Many times a woman will keep silent in fear that she will not be believed. Help her create a safety plan to get out now or when the violence happens again. Allow her to make the plan with your suggestions and support. Remember, this is her life and she needs to make the choices. Give her our number, or numbers in her area, to get support and shelter if needed
- Myths and Facts about Domestic Violence
Myth: Jealousy and possessiveness are a sign of true love.
Fact: Jealousy and possessiveness are a sign that the person sees you as a possession.
Myth: Males are battered by females just as often as females are battered by males.
Fact: The U.S. Bureau of Justice statistics reports that 95 percent of the reported incidents of assaults in relationship are committed by males.
Myth: Alcohol and drugs trigger people to abuse.
Fact: Many people who abuse do not drink or use drugs, and many alcoholics and drug users are not violent toward their partner. If your partner blames abusing you on their drinking or drug use, and promise to stop using, this does not mean the abuse will stop. Drinking/drug usage and violence are separate issues.
Myth: If a person stays in an abusive relationship, it must not be that bad.
Fact: People stay in abusive relationships for many different reasons: fear, threats, economic dependence, confusion, religious beliefs, children, belief that the abuser needs their help or will change, belief that the abuse is their fault, isolation, or pressure from friends and family to stay in the relationship.
Myth: Domestic violence does not affect many people.
Fact: A women is beaten every 15 seconds in the United States.
Myth: Violence against women is hardly ever severe.
Fact: Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44 in the United States--more than car accidents, muggings and rapes combined.
Myth: It is simple for battered women to leave their abuser.
Fact: Women who leave their batterers are at a 75 percent greater risk of being killed by the batterer than those who stay. Violence and abuse do not necessarily stop when someone leaves..
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